Fear of Change

Yes I was one of those people with this strange excruciating fear of change. You see, this is because my experience with change hasn’t been all that good. And so at the time when I hit rock bottom, the mere sound of the word “change” gave me shivers. Because I know the consequences, I know the feelings that come with it and they were not pleasant in my experience. Losing the comfort of the familiar was one of the worst feelings I’d ever encountered. I did not want to experience any kind of change. I shut people out and lived in a bubble with a few close friends for almost two years.

My experience with change had been heartbreak. It was a change of heart and a change of mind from just this one person that turned my world upside down. For the first time in my life, I knew how it felt to be sad all the time that you just can’t feel anything anymore. That you’re just numb. All those years, I’ve taken pride in being independent, outgoing, daring and almost heartless. I was not meant to be in that state ever, I made sure I didn’t. But CHANGE came by and I was in that state of helplessness. The strong independent girl was no longer the same. I didn’t understand how anyone could let any person affect their life and happiness in that way. And then it got worse when my relationship with my dad became confusing as well. My dad had always been my role model and my rock. But something happened that year and it made me realize that just because he’s a parent, doesn’t mean he’s perfect. It doesn’t mean he’ll always be able to do the right thing. He CHANGED. It was not the same when I saw him and it felt horrible. The people I had counted on for all those years were CHANGING. They had a life on their own, a life that I was not a part of and that hurt me. Although I have been doing the exact same thing to a lot of people for years. I didn’t know what it felt like before until it happened to me from people I care about the most.

For those two years, I lived in the past. Remembering how it was before the CHANGE. All I could think about was the CHANGE. How it happened, why it happened, I needed an explanation. I wasted those two years trying to figure it out. How can this weak dependent person be me. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I felt I was too young to experience this. I just didn’t understand. The fear of change grew stronger and stronger. I couldn’t even hear that word in a movie without my stomach turning. I linked everything that happened in my everyday life to this experience. I stayed away from all kinds of opportunities for fear of change. I pulled away from everyone. Until I started changing how I see this experience. I looked at it from a different angle. I didn’t see a silver lining but I saw a truth I have to accept. An inevitable one just like death. “Change is CONSTANT”.  And I realized that I myself had changed without even noticing. So how can I blame those people for the inevitable?. It’s not always good but it’s not always bad as well. I learned to accept it. Cherish the memories without letting them hurt me. Remember the past without dwelling on it. I learned not to let all my life slip by just looking backwards when I should be looking ahead to my future. I had to get back to being me but I couldn’t. At first, I thought it was a bad thing because I’d CHANGED and god I hated that word. But then I realized it’s not “Change” that’s bad. It’s “Fear of change” that drags you down. It’s your inability to accept what you can’t control that does.

Looking back now on those two years, I see myself back then and I remember how bad I felt but it all makes sense now. It happened so I can let go of this fear of change. And welcome it as a part of life just like sunset and sunrise, It’ll always happen even if you’re not there to see it. Don’t fear change and seek it when you need it. Life goes on.