How I transformed from a good girl to a heartless one Part I
This is not a guide on how to transform from a good girl to a heartless one. It’s merely a narration of how it happened to me. And by writing this, I don’t mean to imply in anyway that being heartless is better than being a good girl. I’m just narrating how it happened to me and how I think my life is better now that I am like that.
June 2003, My little world starts to change. First heartbreak was an unusual one. My dad, my everything, my first love, the one I wanted to stay forever had decided he needs to leave my little world that revolved around him when he had to travel to work abroad. In retrospect, I don’t blame him for making that decision, I only blame him for expecting a 12 year old to understand that his decision to leave had nothing to do with her. It had everything to do with his rocky relationship with my mother (now more troubled than ever) and his inability to function in this country where being valued as a doctor is not an option. I remember the night before he left, I remember exactly how it felt and how I blamed myself for his decision. I sat on that hot June summer night recording a voice note on his computer saying how much I am sad that he’s leaving and hoping that maybe, just maybe if he listens to it before he leaves, he’ll change his mind and decide to stay for me just like I would if it had been me leaving. I would stay for him, if I knew he felt that way about me leaving or at least that’s what I thought I would do if I had been in his place. My voice note which took a lot of me to record didn’t make any difference and the next day he got on this plane and he was just gone, leaving me here to sleep in his polo T-shirt everyday remembering where he was everyday in the house and how he’s not there anymore. Having his smell around me after he left helped me to sleep with thoughts of him on my mind. I remember saying good night to him staring at the ceiling of my room every night before I went to bed for at least a year. In retrospect now, I understand that it wasn’t that he wanted to leave me, it was just something he needed to do for himself and that I shouldn’t expect that just because he’s a parent, a father that he would base his life around me. It was selfish of me to assume so and now I understand that but his leaving spiked issues within me that I have trouble explaining even now.
April 2004, Boy problems start. I loved him very much. He had my heart for an unknown reason at that age, it seemed like he could make everything feel right now that my rock – my dad was gone. Of course his little brain would not understand that loving him and having him love me back then had meant that much to me and to be honest, how could it?
Two months later, he fell for that popular girl who was staring with him at the school play and decided to just stop talking to me all together for no apparent reason, or at least no understandable reason to me. I missed him but I understood his decision as I started understanding that everyone leaves eventually and just because someone said they loved you at a certain time doesn’t mean they’ll stay forever.
October 2007, Fast forward to my first real love, I think. He was my best friend. He was there at times when I expected him not to be as I didn’t feel pretty enough or thin enough to be loved. At that time, I had no expectations whatsoever from anyone or anything. The hard truth that everyone leaves had been my motto and I was not accepting of the idea of “Love and relationships”. Commitment issues had spiked within me by then because why in the world would I subject myself to this kind of pain when I could just leave it “Platonic and friendly”. But that year was hard, my brother had this almost fatal accident and he was in the hospital for days. Mr. X cared about me for no obvious reason, I mean at that time we didn’t even know each other well enough but for some reason, he felt that he knew me and was ready to be there through thick and thin. Only asking one thing in return, my heart and my love which was the only thing I couldn’t give him. I fought it so much, claiming I don’t love him, trying to convince myself I like other people and that he was only my best friend, more like a brother. I didn’t hesitate to let him know in every possible way that he meant less to me than I ever meant to him. When we started to get closer and I felt myself depending on him, I started freaking out and doing everything I can to push him away. I don’t know why I was doing that, maybe it was my subconscious’ way of trying to spare my heart the misery of loving someone then having that person leave. Despite all my vain efforts to push him away, he stayed for years through last year of highschool and three years of college. Someone who sticks with you through all of that despite what you’ve been doing to push them away must be “it” right? Must be “the one”. You assume he has this unbreakable unconditional love for you that will always stay. The moment I decided that maybe, just maybe I should start believing in “Love” again because it was there for me and it had proved itself strong through everything a person could pass through; accidents, family problems, change of the familiar like going from highschool to college, days when you just felt like the whole world was against you, through all that, he was there. I never did anything to hurt him on purpose. My running away from him was something I was doing subconsciously (not saying I shouldn’t be blamed for it). At that time, he had become “my rock”. I was falling in love with him without even knowing it. All through, I was convincing myself that I loved him as a best friend and whenever I felt that we’re getting closer than we should, I ran and pushed him away. He would call me for months at a time, do everything he can to see me and I would avoid it at all costs and switch off my phone…etc. The thing is he understood all of that, he understood why I was doing so and tried to help me see that things could be different. Staying for four whole years trying to convince me to give it a chance, that he would do everything but hurt me. When I finally decided to change my mindset and realized how much I love him, it was already too late. I had hurt him enough in those four years to make him realize that he should not love a person like that ever again. He was not ready to compromise anything more for me at that point and I don’t blame him. I wasn’t asking him to compromise anything anymore, I just wanted him to stay, give me a chance and I would do everything and make up for those four years I put him through but like I said it was just too late. This was by far the hardest time I ever went through in my life. Everything around me was changing and I didn’t understand why. My relationship my with dad had hit rock bottom after something happened that made me realize he’d changed so much and that we’re not the same anymore. I was questioning who I was at that time and I was having so many questions about the traditions and religion that made up my core for so long and I felt lost and empty. I needed him to remind me who I was or just lie with me like we always did and tell me that everything will be okay but he didn’t and he wasn’t ready to do it. My rock had disappeared nowhere to be found. He didn’t intentionally hurt me in anyway or wanted to punish me but his disappearance was punishment enough for me. I cried for days watching him change and build a life of his own, a life that I was not a part of, that had no place for me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I could think of was how everything inside of me was falling apart not because of him or because he left but because when you realize that all the profound things in your life are not true and don’t mean anything at all. It was all based on false facts and things you were brought up to believe in but you never really thought about it that much. I had so many questions and my mind was restless. I had questions about blank spots in our relationship of why the change started to happen and I needed to get answers from him on how exactly it happened, not why, just how. I had questions about my faith, my family, who I am, what I wanted to do with my life, why is life so meaningless and I couldn’t find any answers within me or outside of me. My whole world was collapsing around me and I didn’t know where to start to pick up the pieces because everything was going wrong at the same time. I looked for answers everywhere to all my questions; Reading, internet, TV, my family..etc. and none seemed satisfactory or giving any answers at all. My head started going to a dark place where life was a meaningless countless events of lessons learned through pain and I was asking why? If I didn’t choose to exist, why can’t I choose to end it. Why am I being punished for something I didn’t choose. I cried for days. There were days when I slept for 16 hours and days when I couldn’t sleep for even two hours without my racing mind keeping me up. I didn’t understand anything, I needed answers, anything at all. I started smoking. I shut myself off from life and from everyone. I could stay for weeks and months not talking to anyone not even my mom. My mom was trying to help me in anyway possible but she didn’t understand. She thought it was all because I was heartbroken over Mr.X’s absence but that was not the case. His disappearance was the trigger for all the things that was within that I never dared to even question or think about. I thought that this would never end. I stayed like this for almost two years. I became so apathetic and uncaring about anything. Everything was acceptable and expected to me. It no longer phased me that my relationship with my dad had changed or that anyone who said they loved anyone else just left them for no apparent reason or fault of their own. I realized the only constant in life was “change” and if there was anyway that I would get through in this life was if I accept that fact. I was apathetic and didn’t see any point to this life but I didn’t have the guts to end it. Or I was afraid of what happens next. What if there’s nothing after? What if there’s heaven and hell? What if I’d been a bad person and if I was bound to go to hell? Endless what ifs with no answers to be found. But, like all things in life, it passed. It maybe passed in what seemed like an eternity but the point is it did and that’s when I started transforming into an almost “heartless girl”.
Posted on February 10, 2014, in Articles, Feelings, Personal, Random, Relationships and tagged accident, apathy, breakup, change, commitment issues, dad, depression, disappearance, existential crisis, family, get over, good girl, heart, Heartbreak, heartless girl, insanity, life, life cycle, mind, narration, overthinking, pain, questions, racing, relationship, restless, story, timeline. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.